"Poetry That Speaks Deeply"
Need I say more about this section?
These poems are written truthfully, about feelings, which have been influenced by the experiences that I have had from my past.
These feelings still rise now and again, and clearly will never desist, yet I'm still learning to cope and manage myself, for the sake of my future and for my family, whom I love so very deeply.
"TAUNTED"
Darkness comes
Night time falls
Tired again
Silence crawls.
All over me
Insomnia invades
Lie here so still
Tiredness fades.
Brain's awake
Demons stirred
Sense the presence
Though, there's not a word.
Just quiet, left....
With my own fears
Open my eyes
Release those tears.
Stare blindly up
Into the dark
Blinking once
Mind to embark.
Another journey
Pulse, it quickens
Downward spiral
Stomach sickens.
Tragic memories
Break out in sweat
Frozen, unable
So much regret.
Such sadness since
How long's it been?
Carried with me
My thoughts unclean.
Need to sleeeeeeep ........
Blink once more
Touch my face
These eyes so sore.
Please, leave me be!!
Upon this shelf
Or is it "ME"
That taunts myself?
I'll be honest with you and say that this poem, albeit short, sums up how low I have felt at times.
"BIG QUESTION"
Wake up, pissed off !
The 'Black Dog' is here
Simply had enough
Sense him, so near
Taking my soul
Draining the light
Makes me so tired
No effort to fight
Another day of nothing
The feelings, the same
No end in sight
Like a horse, gone lame
Trapped in a bubble
No feeling of worth
Is there ANY point
To this existence on Earth?
This was written whilst sat in my car beneath the Tamar Bridges, whilst really not in a good place in my life, yet, trying to hold my shit together for my 12 year old son Kyle, who had wanted to leave his home, to come to live with me in Launceston, yet his school was in Saltash.
So, every day, 5 days a week I used to drive him the 40 minutes to school. I would drop him off at 0845, then spend the next 6 hours, either going to Help for Heroes in Devonport, Plymouth, if it was possible that day, or on the other hand, taking my car down to Waterside Free car park and sitting there all day until school ended. I would pop down to a small cafe called Ashtorre Rock, run by volunteers of the older generation, shall we say. I was always welcomed with a friendly smile for a snack and a tea or coffee and it was cheap too.
I couldn't get any help from the Council with School Transport, even after I said I would take Kyle half way to callington where there was a school bus running for his school, but NOPE!! They wouldnt entertain that. I couldnt even get personal Transport costs, which was money towards my fuel for taking him to his school despite me being on benefits. It would've meant driving for 40 minutes 4 times a day to just take him to school, come home, then go back to get him and drive home again. I simply couldn't afford the fuel money. This is why I ended up slowly but surely stressing myself into a very dark place, which brought on my past and thinking about if there will ever be a future, and like most men in trouble, I didn't want to seem weak asking for help, and this was simply after trying to get my local council to help me, and getting absolutely nowhere.
So I used to sit and look out across the mighty Tamar river, (which is a beautiful river from it source around 4 miles from the North Cornish coast, to Plymouth Sound, where it flows into the English Channel) and think, make "to-do" lists, work out my finances, (which I really struggled with at times when living on my own, never mind now having a 12 year old boy to look after). I'd take and make notes for writing poetry
and one day, ( the 12th of September 2019 to be exact), when feeling at a really low point I wrote "Tire-d-oubt" and I hope you will understand how I was feeling, what I was thinking and why?
"TIRE-D-OUBT"
Weary of everything
So damn tired
What's the fucking point?
Feel like I've expired
People listen
That's where it ends
No fucking help
This darkness descends
Save me NOW!!!
Not asking for much
Never been this broken
Need some sort of crutch
To simply stand
To help gaze around
Options? I'd take one!!
Not a single sound......
Once again
Promises faded
Dejected, frustrated
Inner self jaded
By those who "say"
Yet, rarely "do"
Lift your hopes
But, don't follow through
Hanging in limbo
Wondering......"How?"
Will I ever fix this?
clam this furrowed brow
Anger, simmers
Always bubbles
Rises, boils over
Sick of these troubles
The cause of my sadness
Living with fear
Negativity rules
When nothing is clear
Lean over the rail
Stare down at the water
Only thinking about
My Son and my daughter
Nobody's noticed
Climbed over the fence
scared out of my wits? NO!!
Does this make any sense?
Traffic sails by
Look down at the current
Mind goes blank
Peace is inherent
Is this what I want?
Be rid of myself?
The hatred inside me
Fused into oneself
This journey has ended
No light in this tunnel
Problems too coarse
To pour through a funnel
Do I "go" on "3"?
Count down from "10"?
climb back over?
Try harder again?